Choosing Aged Care for a Parent: A Choice No Child Wants to But Has to Make

With every passing year in your parents life, you draw closer to making a difficult decision. This decision is about whether you should take charge of their care or choose aged care for them. As much as you love and would want to care for them, there may come  a point where you need to make this decision. 

This leaves one with a hard choice to make. Either take care of them as much as you can or go for aged care services for their own good. This decision leaves many people in a state of dilemma. Yet, the right thing must be done as the goal remains for them to be as well taken care of as possible.

When you finally decide to let go, you are faced with yet another difficult task of looking for proper care for them. With so many options to select from, one may be confused as to which one to seek. Hopefully, you will be able to make a decision as we go along.

Understanding Why This Decision Hurts So Much 

Sometimes, it feels confusing. Why would you be unhappy that you're seeking excellent care and support for your parents? Yes, it's a good thing but how did you get to this point? 

Years ago, they were taking care of you and now, you have the same opportunity and you're considering placing them in a home, away from you and in the care of strangers.

Not to talk of the cultural and personal expectations surrounding your choices. The guilt of abandonment beats you down and you fear judgement from others leaving you in total dilemma 

It is normal to feel these emotions when you decide to take that bold step. You should understand you're not alone in that state and it's completely normal. If you do not experience any of these feelings, then there is a great chance that you are not entirely committed to your loved one's well-being.

However, you must understand that caring for your aged parents or other loved ones goes beyond your emotional satisfaction. It is and should be about the right decision. One that seeks to give them the best years of their aged life.

Recognising the Signs That Aged Care Services Might Be Needed 

One common factor that affects seeking aged care for parents is denial. You can see the signs but you simply don't believe that it's come to that point. 

However, you need to convince yourself that it's time and what must be done must be done. Deciding early is important as aged care needs grow with time.

To decide whether it's time to seek aged care services for your parents or not, look out for these signs:

• Frequent falls

It's normal to fall down, even for aged persons. However, the frequency of the falls points to whether it's normal or a sign of mobility and stability decline. If your parent experiences falls more often than before, it's a sign that they need better supervision which means they need aged care.

• Hygiene issues

A strong and healthy adult can do their own laundry and have a good bath regularly. They also ensure the house is clean at all times and the trash properly disposed. But in a case where you come into your loved one’s home and that stench hits you, it's a problem. They are either too weak to do it or they're experiencing cognitive issues which makes them oblivious of their hygiene needs. 

• Malnutrition

It's a big torture to watch your parents lose weight because they cannot make their own meals. If you are scared of their safety in the kitchen, then it's time for a professional caregiver to step in.

• Medication mismanagement

This is a common issue among seniors, especially those suffering from multiple health issues. Since there is a 50% rate of polymedication among seniors of 65 years and above, medication mismanagement tends to happen more often. If your loved one increasingly forgets to take their medication or the right dose, you should get them aged care to avoid medication complications.

• DIY caregiving burnout 

Taking care of your aged parent is a fulfilling responsibility that equally comes with a lot of stress. If you start feeling more stressed than usual, maybe because of the increasing care needs of your loved one, you should consider hiring professional caregivers to take the load off.

• Cognitive decline and the risks of dementia progression

When it gets to a point where the parent can no longer make independent decisions or take care of their daily needs, it's time for aged care to come in. They need help with day-to-day life activities and it's in their best interest that they have someone close by to guide them through their daily lives. If that someone is not you, then it's a caregiver.

Having the Conversation with Your Parent

Convincing yourself that it's time to arrange for aged care services for your parent is only the first hurdle to be crossed. Next you would need to convince your parent that the decision is the right one. It's mostly met with hesitations but you must stay focused on the goal.

For a start, wait for the right opportunity to bring up the conversation. For example, it could come up after they mixed up their medication. Use the opportunity to suggest that it's perhaps the right time for them to consider aged care as an option.

In your preparations, take their possible emotional outbursts into consideration. There may be cases of denial, fear or resistance. Knowing that it's the right thing to be done, be sure to manage well, any emotional state they go into.

Take your time and give them theirs as well. It may require a series of convictions before they can see reasons with you.

In the case where you are unable to convince them yourself, involving siblings or trusted family to offer support is okay. With more people involved, they may see reasons better.

Exploring the Aged Care Options 

Now that you're convinced it's the right thing to do and your loved one is also in support, it's time to choose which aged care option to go with. This might be a bit of a struggle but with the right guidance, you will make the best choice. The available aged care options include:

In-Home Support Services

This involves aged care services at home. Your loved one will remain at home while receiving care and support. This is a popular choice for many families as many seniors now prefer to age at home rather than in residential care.

Under in-home support services, you can either choose government-funded care or private care. Under government-funded care, you have programmes such as Commonwealth Home Support Programme (CHSP), Home Care Packages and the soon-to-be launched Support at Home programme. 

These programmes provide support and funding to participants through registered providers. Providers such as Support Network deliver top-notch care services to elders at home through well-trained support workers.

On the other hand, private aged care services are available if your parent is not eligible for government-funded care or you can't join the long wait list of applicants.

Private care is more expensive but it promises excellent care services with loads of benefits. It offers more flexibility than government-funded care. There are also no limits to the care provided as long as you're willing to pay. That means a more comprehensive care.

Assisted living or supported accommodation

These are two other aged care options you should consider. Assisted living is an aged care arrangement where your loved one can have their own apartments, get help with daily tasks and access social activities. It's a large aged care arrangement that houses many elders while still providing individualised care.

On the other hand, supported living is more like in-home support services. Your loved one will remain at home while receiving adequate care. 

Residential aged care (nursing homes)

This is a living arrangement for aged persons outside their homes. Much like the assisted living type but on a much larger scale. It is a residential community that offers accommodation and comprehensive care for aged persons. They have a range of activities to keep the elders busy and entertained.

This aged care arrangement usually causes more worry among families. The uncertainty in how well your loved one will adapt to the new environment can be traumatising. But if it's the best option available, then it's the right one.

Doing the Research and Visiting Facilities

If you and your parent reach a decision to take the residential care option, there are certain steps to take to guarantee the best results. 

Firstly, you need to do your research. Go online, search for “Nursing Homes near me” and you will have a number of options available. Go through their websites, look at their reviews and star ratings and inquire further through calls or physical meetings.

You could also simply ask your extended family members, friends and neighbours or even colleagues at the office. They can recommend a good one where they probably have a loved one living there.

To decide on which nursing home to put your parent, consider the following:

• Staff qualifications and quality of training 
• Facilities 
• Cleanliness
• Activities
• Meal plan
• Healthcare provision 
• Safety
• Proximity to your location
• Accessibility
• Pricing 

It's advised that you go for physical inspection of the facility to see for yourself. Taking your parent along to assess the place is necessary to ascertain their thoughts about the place. 

Also trust your instincts. If you have a bad feeling about a place, don't put your loved one there. Your decision should be based on both your physical and spiritual conviction.

Managing Family Disagreements

It is not uncommon to see families having a squabble over whether their loved one should go into aged care or not. It is a part of the major problems experienced in the journey of aged care for a loved one.

This can happen between siblings or between extended family members. You could experience resentment or hate from other family members if you're the one who has to make the final decision.

These are real issues that could turn into something bigger if not handled properly. There have been cases of malice spanning over years even after the demise of the care receiver.

In such situations, accept suggestions by siblings and other relatives but hold firm on why it is the best decision for your loved one.

This is especially important if you have been taking care of your parent with others only helping when they can. Others may not understand why you're insisting on aged care but you know better.

Practical tips on how to handle the situation include:

• Call for dialogue and continue calling for it until the matter is settled
• Consider aged care services at home
• Involve a third party to mediate in the case
• Give them the option of looking after the parent or agreeing to your decision 
• In extreme cases, take it up legally 

In all of these, never lose sight of the cause. Whatever decision you pursue must mean the best for your parent. It must not be borne out of personal gains as it defeats the whole idea behind the cause.

Dealing with Your Emotions 

There will be before and after emotions accompanying your parents’ aged care journey. After they leave for residential care, you are suddenly engulfed in guilt and regrets. It's normal and expected.

Guilt can be real or fake, depending on the circumstances surrounding your decision. If you believe you failed your parent by putting them in a nursing home based on your initial mistakes while you took care of them, that is real. 

If however, your guilt and regret spring from the feeling of not doing enough even after you did all you could to see them comfortable at home, then it's a fake one.

But whether fake or real, you must learn to keep your emotions in check. As long as your parent is comfortable in the nursing home, you shouldn't be worried. Blaming yourself won't help with anything. You need to clear your mind and begin to see the good in your decision.

For better results, you could try these strategies for coping:

• Staying actively involved in their life
• Constant visits
• Taking them out on dates
• Therapy or support groups
• Speaking with others who’ve been through it
• Pursuing your hobbies
• Spending more time with your family

Helping Your Parent Adjust Emotionally and Physically 

Leaving your home for an entirely new one is never easy to deal with. Understanding this will help you manage the emotional outbursts you will be facing. It requires patience with the right support.

Their support needs can be physical or emotional. Either way, you must strive to ensure they don't feel abandoned at any point. Here's how to support your loved one in aged care:

• Supporting their mental health 

Your parents’ mental health will be the most vulnerable during transition. They may experience mood swings that may be a bit extreme at some point. Managing these moods will require constant reassurances and motivation.

Take their opinions into consideration and make the needed changes. You have to be patient in accommodating their varying choices.

• Making their new space feel like home

Physical acts impact mental response. You can help your parent adjust better to their new environment by decorating their space in the aged care home to look identical to their home. 

This can come in the form of room colour, arrangements and smell. Paint the room the same colour as their home, arrange the room just as their home and buy them their favourite cologne. This is very helpful for elders with cognitive impairments.

• Maintaining regular visits and involvement

If you stop visiting or contacting your parent after putting them in an aged care facility, then you were never interested in their well-being to begin with. Moving away from you shouldn't mean cutting ties with them.

You need to stay connected through physical visits and the use of digital tools. Visit as many times as you can in a month. No matter how busy you get, try to create time for the visit.

If you get too busy, ensure regular calls and possibly video call sessions to assess their well-being.

• Encouraging participation in activities

A survey indicates that 40% of the nursing home residents experience a sense of loneliness, while the more loneliness and solitude, the worse the quality of life.

The ideal way to combat this solitude and improve your parent's lifestyle is to encourage them to socialize more. If they are communicating with other elderly people, they will build self-confidence and live their life in a better way.

Conclusion

Putting your parent in residential care or any other type of aged care is not wrong. With the right intentions, it's the best decision to make which portrays your deepest love and commitment to their safety and well-being. It's okay to feel bad about it but don't regret it as you have taken that bold step in their own interest. Problems may arise but always remain focused on the reason for the decision in the first place. You have to do it, it's you and no one else. So the earlier you decide, the better for everyone and don't forget that you're not alone in this journey.